The Fountain Of Youth

When I think of the times I flipped the bird in traffic, farted to impress friends, peed in flower pots, argued over sports till I had to be restrained, made up highly imaginative streams of bs to impress attractive women, hogged the samples table at Whole Foods, scrambled for parking spaces at Trader Joe’s nearly causing an accident then blaming it on the other guy and refused to share whenever I eat Chinese, I realize one thing . . .

Maybe it’s time to become a mature individual.

But then I stop myself and think what that means . . .

Holding back my anger. Bad for the heart.

Holding back my gas and water. Bad for the intestinal tract.

Holding back my need for public acceptance. Bad for the ego and adversely affecting the body’s autoimmune system.

Holding back on my urges to eat on impulse. Starving the cells of much needed proteins. Giving up my space and handing over my sustenance in the name of sharing, thereby denying my rudimentary survival needs and sending my body into a complete decline.

Face it. It’s all a bunch of responsibilities. And with responsibility comes stress and we all know the effects stress has on the body . . .

It ages you!

Yes, maturity could be the leading cause of aging.

So, what do you say?

Preserve your youth by being a total a–hole? Or become a decent, responsible adult with wrinkles.

— Roy

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21 thoughts on “The Fountain Of Youth

  1. Hilarious! I inherently go the ‘responsible’ route. No wonder I have all these gray hairs multiplying like hormonal bunnies! But, I will admit that some human beings and their ridiculous, obnoxious ways bring out the @-hole in me. Case in point, it annoys me to NO end when someone stops and waits for my parking spot when there are open ones, literally 2 spots down. Like they can’t bear to walk 12 more feet. So, I go into really slow motion like I have all the time in the world. This is a struggle for me because I’m a fast-walker, fast-talking, mover-n-shaker. It pains me to move slow. But someone has to teach them a lesson. *huge grin* 😉

  2. I loved this Roy. I also have my @-hole moments or at least they are there in my mind. I love the song Nineteen and Crazy on the CD Fight Like a Girl by Bomshel and frequently sing it at the top of my lungs when I’m driving. Sample of lyrics:

    “This belly button dangle
    Will probably be just one of those things
    I won’t be showing off too often at 65
    This butterfly tattoo
    Might be somethin’ I tell my kids not to do
    Spring break shouldn’t last the rest of your life

    There were things I should not have of done
    Then again, well I sure had fun

    Oh the only things that I regret are things that we didn’t do
    Those crazy days that I have left
    Have led me here to you

    Bein’ free, bein’ wild, bein’ bulletproof
    Right now we’re rebels without a clue
    Nothin’ in the world that we can’t do
    Woah oh oh oh oh
    Don’t give a damn what people say
    Cause we’re doin’ it, doin’ it our way
    I know that we will always stay
    19 and crazy”

  3. I say there is a time and a place for both. Unfortunately, sometimes the immaturity breaks out at the wrong times. Like when you’re in a staff meeting and you can’t look across the table at your friend without laughing so hard you cry. That’s when I think I’d rather be scolded for laughing than patted on the back for frowning and being serious. Life is too short to be serious all the time. And I would think it makes you constipated. And farts are hilarious! Especially the smelly ones.

    • Exactly, Emma. So why not combine the two? Staff meetings and smelly farts. They go together like wine and cheese. I think you and I definitely see eye to eye on this.

    • Natalie, so glad you’re on board. Together we’ll defy the aging process and keep life fun while offending others at the same time. What a treat.

    • Uuuuuu. I just love admirers. Especially the secret kind. Love and xxxxxxx right back atchya
      whoever you are. Miss you too. You little mysterious ‘secret admirer’ you.

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